Balanced Bits

Magazine Guilt

Didn't I just write about celebrating what it is that I'm not doing? It should be fresh in my mind, right?

Although it's not one of my urgent tasks, it is important to me that I read my magazines. I'm comfortable with my routine of audiobooks in the car, real (or e-reader) books in the plane and magazines at home. I usually get through the weekly arrivals before the next ones come. The monthly magazines sit on the nightstand pile and I usually make it through them, too. I have had to occasionally use plane travel as a magazine catch-up, but I've made it work.

But now I travel less and there is a significant increase in at home activities (more to come on that) so that I'm losing control of my magazines. Last night, on the top of my nightstand pile, was last week's New Yorker with an article on Amazon, Apple and the publishing industry that I really wanted to read AND this week's issue. The horror of it all!!

And the monthly's have been in the pile for a few weeks now. More are coming, oh no!! This is becoming like that never-ending onslaught of activity - laundry!

Time to think. What do I do?

1. Cancel some subscriptions.
2. Finish my internal debate if more accessibility via the iPad or Kindle would help (I'm such a geek).
3. Recognize that this is a month or two of extra, extra activity and toss some magazines after a 5 minute skim - and move on.

I'm leaning to #3, then #2, and finally #1.

And did I tell you that my feed reader fills up way too fast?

Handling What Life Throws at You

"Warning, Will Robinson. Your comfortable empty nest is going to have a new arrival for a few weeks. Chaos is imminent." On Saturday we have the return of our 24-year old, back from two years in Senegal through the Peace Corps.

It has always been a wonderful journey raising our children. It seemed so challenging when the kids were little as we nurtured them and help them grow up. But the older teen stage seemed so much worse. From that brilliant god-like status our IQ's plummeted in the eyes of our children. How could we be that stupid? Didn't we know anything? And I don't ever want to go back to all those after-school activities, pick-up and drop-offs and panic as they learned to drive.

I've really enjoyed our current state with our two children in their early 20's. They have both grown up to be really wonderful people. Now our challenge is to be there for them, be more of a mentor or coach than a parent, and allow their lives to unfold.

So - why am I writing this? Because we have two weeks of chaos that I have to pre-think my way through. My son has done a lot of prep work and he knows we will do whatever is needed to help him be prepared to fly to Atlanta mid-April and hike the Appalachian Trail. But we have to help him through priorities:

• Family and Friends. It's only two weeks, but people that love him, have asked about him for two years, and have supported some of his projects in Africa want to see him. He cannot just disappear until October. That would be wrong and we are helping (and coaching) here.
• Food. He's already asked about White Castle, Nathan's Hot Dogs, Chinese food and Bagels (poppy) with Lox and also lets get Whitefish, too!

He has no car. His grandparents from Florida are coming up for three days. His hiking partner will be arriving. He needs to buy more equipment. He needs to camp locally to test his equipment. And did we talk about more family and food?

Here's my plan:

• Take time off from work (I'll stay connected, though). Enjoy the visits with family.
• Help however I can, but this is his trip, his life, his money. I need to be an enabler and supporter, but my opinions are just opinions. He has to decide and I have to not judge!!

Deep breaths. Remain calm. If I survived his two years in Africa including our ten days with him (with more than half of those days far from civilization), I can survive these two weeks.

And then six months with him being on the trail.

A View of Work-Life (and Balanced Bits)

It seems like the discussion over the word that follows "work-life _____" is always good blog fodder. We've seen "balance", "integration", "fit" and more. This dialog will continue for a long time because the thin veneer of "work-life" attempts to address some complex and vexing issues.

Here's just a small subset of what I've seen around "work-life whatever": 

• Working Mothers. From parenting advice, childcare help, finding personal time and a lot more, including many rants I might add. (Not enough on Working Fathers or Working Parents, but hey, we are on a journey.)
• Flexible work environments. I see focus helping companies see the benefits of work-at-home, flexible schedules, etc. I see talk about individual's success, too.
• The glass ceiling, women's pay, etc. This is a huge issue that we make headway on, albeit too slowly.
• Self-improvement, self-management. Many people are out there helping others through classes, workshops and other ways of coaching.

From individuals to companies to dedicated organizations there are many voices out there. Fortunately people will curate and manage who they read and follow. 

What about just having a good career? The picture is just getting more complex. We have writings about:

• Getting jobs. Topics include interviewing, resume building, cold calling and more.
• Working with management. Always interesting topics that often include communications, both positive and negative.
• Being successful. This last one is for younger professionals and actually focuses on both work and life.

I see myself as a small fish in these large and interesting ponds. I talk, write and think about jobs and careers - always in context of having a happy life, which requires one to think about work-life [insert your word here]. For example, my view of work-life has been broadened with my personal knowledge of Eldercare issues which for the most part is a different pond.

At the end of the day, it is all about.

• Having a successful career. On your terms, advancing to whatever level works for you.
• Having a happy life. On your terms, including your family, friends and you!

Now I need to make a meaningful diagram.

Photo Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/krcla/ / CC BY-SA 2.0

MomstoWork

I have to thank Julie at MomstoWork for asking if I would write a guest post for their blog. Through email, I got to know her and another MomstoWork-er, Joy. It was great to meet such cool and interesting people.

From my perspective, the biggest challenge around work-life is individual awareness and sensitivity. I want to see employees, managers, wives, husbands, partners and parents have the presence and perspective to make the right personal and professional decisions. But I'm very fortunate that I work for a company that gets it and that I have be able to find the right point of balance for me.

I also get really energized when I see how many people and organizations are out there driving this messages into companies. They are delivering the message that the right work-life programs are good for business.

Many others are also out in this space driving messages to women and moms and more. And, although it might be sad to say this in 2010, perhaps this is still the most important target audience.

I'm very grateful for whatever small impact I can have in this medium. Very different from one-on-one mentoring! Thanks again for the comments and retweets.

Patience #1 - People

Every day we are presented with opportunities to be patient, both at work and at home. It happens with people or things or even situations. Let me start first - with people (and share wonderful anecdote about patience with Eldercare).

If you are sitting at a slow drive-through window and you feel your impatience building, why show frustration at the person serving you? Does that really change anything for your next visit?

But perhaps the biggest key to truly mastering patience is through interactions with your family or your colleagues at work. We need to thoughtfully respond to others, instead of reacting quickly and without consideration. Too much negative energy is wasted on non-thinking reactions.

I wish I approached things when I was younger as I do now. I guess that's the benefits of wisdom (age?). I'm assuming all my "chats" with my children won't take effect for another 25 years, either. Sad.

When I was visiting my father-in-law at his assisted living home, I heard one of the neighbors screaming at one of the aides. It was a direct, nasty personal attack that was loud enough for many to hear. Now we are in the Dementia unit and we never know what to expect, but this still came as a shock. Things are stressful at times, but are usually pretty subdued.

Later, after things calmed down, I asked the aide how she was doing after her recent incident? The answer - - an absolutely perfect response:

"Oh, it's ok. She doesn't mean it."

It's been a long time since this happened, but I think of it often and try to use it to help me stop, think and quietly and thoughtfully respond to people. I am far from perfect but part of the balance of work-life is how we handle all our interactions.

Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/adriarichards/ / CC BY-SA 2.0

Giving Back - Mentoring

In Ask Balanced Bits, Laura wrote:

Your list of topics for mentoring sessions is excellent! I especially appreciate the inclusion of family goals in the discussion. One additional topic that you might consider adding is "giving back." As ambitious achievers move upward, they should be reminded to bring others with them... as you have done!

Thanks Laura, for the comment and the question. I've seen programs where a process ensures top performers have mentors assigned. In some of my larger teams, I have ensured that young minorities and women, at a minimum, all have mentors. But - - it isn't pairing people, it's mentors that add value.

For a start, a mentor has to personally care about the career success of his/her protege (charge?, mentee? I don't like any of the terms). And it is not just about having meetings; it is about the mentor being able to help the protege through critical decision points by listening, sharing experiences and making recommendations. All in a penalty-free environment.

Thanksgiving reflection and balance check

Early into this Thanksgiving holiday weekend, my short Tweet was:

Why do holidays provide automatic permission to focus on the life side of work-life? And what happens to people next week?

And I've been thinking about it ever since.

Tonight concludes one of our busiest and more emotional weekends:

• Thursday was a reasonably small Thanksgiving dinner (15 people) with much joy and reflections on what we were all thankful for. 
• Friday was a sad day as we went to the funeral of a dear family friend. The day included a double round trip from Connecticut to Long Island as we offered to bring our daughter down to Long Island to visit with the family after her work day was completed. When back in Connecticut mid-day we visited my wife's father at his assisted living facility. What a tired bunch we must have been with the three of us falling asleep for solid naps!
• Saturday was more family and a great opportunity for eating leftovers.

So what is the point of this blog entry? Well, it's a reflection on the "work-" part of work-life.

I did check my work e-mail a few times each day but there really wasn't much there. I expected to see things from my non-American colleagues, but I'm guessing they knew that America would be out of pocket and they took advantage of it. 

So we all basically shut down work and focused on life and I was a bit uncomfortable. It seems that I have spent most of my near 32 professional years balancing work and life each and every day and this four-day stretch just didn't seem right. I was itchy and I do want to get back to work. There is so much to do before the year ends and we launch 2010 in January. Classic Type A, eh?

As I was preparing to write this entry and reading my way through the blogosphere and more, I saw a recent blog entry from Chris Brogan that specifically called out taking advantage of this "slack time". I couldn't agree more, although I was either driving, napping or eating turkey.

Working Mother Thought Leadership article on Eldercare

It is an honor that some of my thoughts have made it here.

My "traffic control" - books

I love reading. I am one of those strange people that actually enjoy a long plane flight because I get to read books. No movies for me on those small screens- - it's just e-mail for work and reading books for pleasure. I even pre-cut my food into pieces so I can hold my book and read while I eat. Very unsocial - but I'm not flying to become friends with the person next to me. I do occasionally plop a bit of food on me, but hey, what can you do.

At home, I usually don't get to read books too often as I'm usually behind (and a bit obsessive) about staying current on the magazines that come each week and month. And as I am traveling less in my current  job, my book queue just seems to be getting longer and longer.

But now I have a new addition to the challenges of work and life - audiobooks! I'm completely hooked on listening to audio books while driving to work. I have nothing but praise for my iPod Nano and audible.com. 

On the positive side audiobooks add value to my life. I'm getting my book fix and thoroughly enjoying each "listen". My commute is far more mellow and I even drive slower to stretch out the time I'm listening. (I'm getting miles per gallon as proof!).

But my audiobook passion is having a negative impact on a key work-life balance option -- working from home. Although I prefer to work in the office I also have very productive days at home -- and I save the 40 minute commute time each way. But on those work-at-home days, I wake up, exercise, and immediately get to work. And I pine for my audiobooks.

Who would have thought that something as simple as an audiobook makes my work-life balance thought process harder?

What defines us?

My thanks to those who have been following me and creating some good dialogues. Through Ask Balanced Bits, Inquirer asked:

How do you feel working in the field you have affects your relationships with your immediate family? (Your children, spouse, parents, etc.)

Wow. This response has to be personal, but anything that relates to Work-Life issues is going to be personal. I also think there is some underlying ego in that I probably define myself (and my relationships) through other people's eyes.

I have always been a technologist, aka geek. (Or am I a nerd? I get so confused). My evolution as a person really came when I went from being a programmer to being Technical Sales person in a Sales office. There I was in my blue suit, white shirt, 'rep stripe' tie - - even the wingtip shoes with running boards. But even in a job where I was working with clients, I could never get too many people to really understand what I did. My parents and wife wife would just say, "He works for IBM".

During those days my children were too young to know  much about our work and our house was quite close to the office. My wife commuted over an hour to work while I was minutes away. We worked our careers, our relationships, and balanced the kid duty. And I did most of the midday kid events (being the only father at the misnamed "Coffee with Mom" sessions) and enjoyed that. Perhaps that was another defining set of moments of who I am.

As my career evolved, I moved into a different role (Marketing) that required travel and covering products that I never even tried to explain to the family. And as my career evolved, our relationships evolved. My kids knew that their parents traveled, but we both tried to include them through post cards, small gifts and mainly stories and reinforcements around the dinner table. We always sat down as a family for dinner and I can remember talking about where Mommy was and what direction we should be looking. (Thank goodness for the globe we were given as a wedding present). I actually still send post cards to my daughter who has quite a collection now. I really like that.

Now we have productive dialogs with kids about work, life, etc. It is quite rewarding to explain things to the children where our work experiences can be used to put their own current work experiences in context. We still talk about the balance between content and style and it's been years since my son first told me it meant something to him while he was running for a student government position in college. My daughter is in a leadership position at her college radio station and our conversations with her seem to add some value to what she does.

So who I am, who I was, was a foundation for my relationships and it strengthened it. 

And what goes around, comes around. Who they are, including their work and life, are now affecting their relationship with my wife and me. It used to be that I would be the one to recommend books or music to my kids. Now it is a two-way street. It is equally cool to love a CD that my daughter recommended to me, as it is to see my son title one of his blog entries from a Steve Forbert album.

As for me being a technologist, I'm afraid that I have to admit that all I am in the blogosphere and most other social media (ok, I did LinkedIn on my own) I owe to my daughter.

Relationships evolve. They are all two-way streets rooted in who you are - at that point in time. (That is why some friendships last for a long time and others come and go, eh?).